A small sample of a life lived small.
I always hated my body, even as a little girl. Long before any visible damage appeared.
I especially hated my body when my father or any other man would look at it like it was prime rib, or want to touch it, and in some cases force touch of it. It wasn't until I was fifteen years old and got a lot attention from a boy I liked for in fact this very body, that I was able to look at it and see part of what he could see. Unfortunately that is all he could see, and all I could see then too.
My body had new value, it was a way to get attention in a different (or not so different way), that because these ‘boys’ were my age, it wasn't something to fear. But it was something to regain power. Power over the opposite sex, instead of the power they had over me as a little girl. Also just as damaging as before.
Unfortunately I also neglected and abused my body, taking for granted I would always have the ‘ideal’ shape and size. Choosing to eat for cheap instead of for health, because honestly I didn't have the first clue what nutrition actually meant, I'm only just recently figuring that out. Also choosing to skip important sleep so I could ‘be’ more and play super human. Often over extending myself. And ultimately feeling under appreciated as a result.
So I would ‘reward’ myself with a treat, or multiple treats. Telling myself “I deserve this, just this time won’t hurt.”
Not realizing that each time I was attempting to Hide even Deeper into my own Skin.
Piling on the layers of Protection with each bite, each self sabotage. Even my diets and exercise were forms of self sabotage, knowing they were not in Alignment with True Health. Doomed to fail before getting started, because it was all punishment.
Punishment for not being Enough or being Too Much.
Unable to decide if it was worse to be beautiful or homely. Because either way garnered attention I didn’t want.
No matter what I did, I could not feel safe enough or hide enough. My inner dialogue was worse than my external habits. And it ultimately showed up on the outside of my body and in my relationships. I allowed my inner critic to rule every single day, every interaction, every occasion.
Always leading with the wrong intentions and ending with the role of Victim, no matter how things actually went.
I genuinely loved people, especially my children, and always treated them almost Too well, because I was Over Doing it. Compensating for my own childhood and family dynamic when I was young. Again, not ever Honoring my own needs. But then felt victimized when no one rushed to provide them for me. I did so much for everyone else, but no one wanted to do the same for me, oh poor me I would tell myself.
The issue was I was not only giving too much, I was giving to the wrong people (my children excluded). And giving to them for the wrong reasons. Just image if it would have been more balanced? If I gave the appropriate amount to the people around me, I would have had enough to give to myself too. Instead of waiting for someone else to reciprocate or provide everything I needed. Instead of allowing anyone else to treat me small, because that’s what I invited from them by treating myself small.
Allowing abuse, neglect and mistreatment for far too long, from those I so desperately needed to love me back. Those that I needed to rescue me, well, from me. Desperately seeking approval and worth in all the wrong people, places and things.
When the approval didn't arrive, I would shrink deeper.
When the approval did arrive, I would shrink even more.
That cycle finally stopped just this year, when I found my Shadows hiding under all the layers. The shadows where the real magic hid, my ability to provide everything I have ever wanted for myself, to fall in love with the freedom of it. And learned to explore their depths and get comfortable with what I found.